The Balance of Compromise...or Is It Sacrifice?

I had a great Halloween and Midfall.  It was also my Handfasting Anniversary on the 31st, and that was wonderful, too.

I didn't attend Three Crane Grove's rite because our neighborhood held their Trick or Treat night.  I also decided to not pay my Friend dues to TCG this October because I'm just in a weird place.  I've been dealing with a lot of grief and depression, and just fighting with myself this fall. 

Virtual Fire did have a rite, and I offered to do the omen, but only if others didn't want to.  And I want others to want to, too.  I think instead of offering first, I'll stay quiet and let others volunteer.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm trying to take over as the main seer, ya know?  

It's my favorite part and I'm good at it, but I don't want others to feel that they shouldn't volunteer just because I'm present.  Or because I've said, "I will if no one else wants to."  I don't mind being a default reader, but I want others to read, too!  Practice!  Build up their confidence.  Or just do it because they love divination, too!

The Kindreds speak through others, too.  Everyone has their own voices and interpretations.  All things to celebrate.

Next time, I'm going to be quite.  Let someone else speak up, instead of speaking first.  

One of those weird social rules, I guess.  I've been accused of trying to take things over in the past, when it was never my intention.  I didn't realize that speaking first and saying, "I'll do it if no one else wants to" was taking over anything.  "I do it if no one else wants to"...I don't understand how that phrase is claiming anything.  If anything it's saying I'll be the back up.  But I've been accused and unfriended and kicked out of groups for that very thing.  

Weird social rules that I'm more aware of since September 2023.

I dunno, people say they value honesty, but then when you're direct and honest, they tend to take it as an attack.  I know that's more on that person, but it's infectious.  I'm just worried about Virtual Fire saying that I'm overbearing and too much, too, ya know?  Or people just not showing up to rites because I'm there.  People not volunteering, because I'm there.  

It's happened before.

I've been going slow with this group, but now I'm worried that I'm too comfortable.  I suck at masking, but I also don't like to hide myself just to fit in with people and to have friends.  Conditional, sacrificial friendships.  

But then when I am myself, I'm too much, too aggressive, too overbearing.  That I'm scary.  It's never my intention.  I try to be blunt and honest, but kind, or at the very least, professional.

Dealing with the fact that I might be autistic, I'm more aware--well, I try to be--of all of those contradictory social rules, and rules that only seem to apply to me in some of my social circles...not that I have too many of those anymore.

Again, conditional, sacrificial friendships, where I have to make myself small and submissive to fit into their circle...I have to make them comfortable, but no one ever thinks about my comfort.

My gods telling to me never dim my light for people who refused to heal and change, but also just wanting friends and a spiritual group where I can be myself and not hide or feel ashamed.  I'm different, I'm not normal, even among other pagans and psychics, and I know that.  I keep wondering if it's just meant to be this way.  I live in a liminal space--there aren't too many other folks here, at least not close enough to touch, or even see clearly.  We're so spread out.  I wonder if they struggle, too?  Or if they've just accepted it and are even empowered by it?

I didn't want to come here and talk about this.  I've written about this so many times, and so many times I've deleted it.  I wanted to talk about my High Day.  

Maybe this time, I won't delete it.

- Dedicant and Hearth Keeper, Foxlyn