Breathe, Grieve, Weep, Repeat

Tonight is the ritual with Virtual Fire, and like many if feels like I got kicked in the gut by the Gods, so I'm not in much of a honoring the Gods mood.

Not attending tonight.

Just feeling the emotions, the grief, and letting the tears fall.  Waves of fear, rage, uncertainty, hopelessness, crisis, and distrust of myself and Them...as well as waves of understanding, drive, anger, hope, community, fight, and faith.

I'm a hot mess at the moment.

Afraid for my loved ones, neighbors, strangers.

Afraid of my loved ones, neighbors, strangers....

Afraid for myself and feeling like I can't protect my kids--which is just the worst feeling in the world.

Doubting my psychic abilities and my magik.

Doubting my Gods.

Doubting people. 

A real crisis of faith.  I am oathed and serve as Priestess and Spirit Worker to many Gods and yet...I'm having a spiritual crisis.  Not in Their existence, but in Their agendas.  I can't exactly quit.

But also not sure that I want to.

On one hand, I can see the bigger picture, and on the other I'm being crushed by it.

"Everything will change" that's what She said to me, but also something else that turned out to be a lie.

Me dealing with whether or not my relationship with the Gods is just another abusive family? 

Struggling with the bigger picture.  

Feeling trapped.

Wanting to know why, but also not trusting any answers, be them from me or the Kindreds.  

Too tender.  Too shocked.  Too numb.

No doubt that the racist bigoted sack of shit criminal cheated, but that there is no true justice--nothing about this was fair and legal.  No super heroes.  No vigilantes.  Even now the community is turning on each other with racial blame,  and blaming third party voters and those who choose to not vote.  Which is what those in power are banking on--infighting.  It's always kept us weak.  Divided.  Inline with their desires, not with our needs.

I just hope that most of us can separate ourselves from the flocks, maybe redirect those flocks to the wolves.  A whole flock can stand up to a few wolves.  We have the numbers and the strength, but do we have the bravery and determination?

I'd like to believe so.

Yet wondering if I can still trust that my military loved ones won't turn on me because they're ordered to...

I just want my kids to come home so I can hold them.

"Wait."

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I saw that the rite was going to be Ancestor focused, so I decided to attend.

Much to my chagrin, it was one more about Justice Deities--Universal Justice and Human Relation Justice.

Today, not only am I in a Fuck-the-Gods mood, I've also lost faith in justice period.  America is pretty broken, especially our judicial systems, but today...this YEAR...as a criminal gets away with all of his crimes and is still able to run for president...and a president who's above the law at that...and one with plans of killing his enemies and becoming a dictator and throwing away democracy....just fuck em all, man.

The fuck is justice?  Only for the rich and powerful.

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I'm just really FEELIN that grief right now--all those unpleasant stages.  Processing.  I'll be all right.  I might take a break from social media, though.